Rugby predictions for 2011

With the New Year just around the corner, what will the rugby headlines be in 2011?

January.   Sarries announce the signing of a new half-back partnership in Anton du Beke and Wagner Carrilho.  Newly-appointed Director of Rugby, Will Young, says, “Some may see these as risky signings but we think that they can help us attract a new audience to Sarries – after all, what’s rugby about if it’s not entertainment?”

February.  Sky announces that the LV= Cup game between Leicester and Bath will kick off at 02:30 on the Monday morning, following on from its Superbowl coverage.  A spokesman said, “We think that families will welcome an all-nighter in Leicester and we’ll be handing out free cocoa to everyone who attends – it’s another first for English rugby.”

March.   The Six Nations decider between Scotland and Italy goes the way of the Azzuri, with England finishing fifth and Wales picking up the Wooden Spoon.  Rob Andrew announces himself ‘Happy with the progress that’s being made’, and says that it sets England up for a successful RWC campaign.  The WRU offers Warren Gatland a further extension to his contract.

April.  Sky’s Rugby Club devotes 58 of its 60 minutes to in-depth analysis of Munster’s  prospects in their forthcoming Heineken Cup quarter-final, with Leinster getting the remaining two minutes.   Subscribers are told that it’s now mandatory to wear a shamrock as part of the Sky Sports package.

May.  The Heineken Cup final is played at a newly ploughed Millennium Stadium with organisers saying that they think this has finally resolved the concerns about the quality of the playing surface. 

June.  Sale and Newcastle’s pitches finally are free of snow, so the backlog of Aviva Premiership games can be tackled.  The Premiership final is rescheduled for a second time and will be played in late August.

July.  The IRB announces a change to Law 20.6 on the put-in to the scrum.   In future the scrum-half will stand at the back of the scrum and place the ball in front of the No.8.  An IRB spokesman said “All this throwing-in nonsense was too complicated, and refs were finding it hard to understand..  As long as the opposing team doesn’t push too hard we think this new Law will work.  We’re looking for co-operation from the players on this one.”

August.  All twelve Aviva Premiership Head Coaches release a statement saying that pre-season has never gone better and that morale within their respective clubs is at an all-time high.  The RFU and premier Rugby announce a play-off system that will include all twelve clubs, thereby extending the AP season into late August, saying that player welfare remains an issue.

September.  England lose to Argentina, Georgia and Romania in the pool stages of the RWC, and fail to make the quarter finals. Just before garrotting Graham Simmonds live on air, Johnno says “What’s the point of us having the best coaching team in the world if that load of muppets are going to bottle it every time they run onto the park.  I’m moving the England training set-up to

Welford Road

as soon as we get back home, and no, I’m not going to resign.  Rob Andrew tells me everything’s hunky-dory.”

October.  New Zealand lose 42-3 to Namibia in the RWC final.  The All Blacks field a weakened side after their squad succumbs to food poisoning.  Graham Henry complains, “We think it was dodgy lamb that caused it – the chef was French so you can draw whatever conclusion you like from that. Only one side wanted to play rugby out there, and clearly all six of the Namibian tries should have been disallowed – I wasn’t happy with the ref’’s performance.  On the positive side, I thought that Dan Carter took his kick really well.” 

November.   The post-RWC influx of foreign stars hits the Aviva Premiership.  The incoming All Blacks, all now restored to full health after ‘Lambgate’, offer to run workshops for English referees in order to pass on their wisdom about the way the game should be ref’d.   Richie McCaw offers to ref’ a few games by satellite link from New Zealand in the spirit of cross-hemisphere harmony, and to show how easy it actually is.

December.  Edward Griffiths, with his new title of Impresario-In-Chief, announces that Saracens will no longer play rugby, and that more than 90% of the current squad has been released.  “Our management consultants have recommended that we focus on our core business of entertainment, and to be frank, rugby has become peripheral to what we’re all about.  I guess one or two of our fans will be disappointed at this, but we’ve offered them cheap tickets to Will Young’s next Wembley gig, so that’s all right.”  Technical Director, Brendan Venter, enthused “Will Young, bit of genius, bit of magic.  Three cheers for Will Young!”

I hope that your New Year celebrations turn out to be as good as you hope, and let me wish you all the very best for 2011.

 First published in The Rugby Paper on 27 December 2010 and reproduced with the permission of the editor